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Dr. Grier blogs about Narcissism and other current topics.>
Gaslighting and Other Phenomena
October 3, 2009
My wife had just arrived from taking a pair of relatives to a movie. She was beside herself.
"I'm furious!" she exclaimed.
I have to mention that one of the people she spent the day with was a narcissist. She hijacks every conversation and makes it about her. She only thinks about what she wants to do and has no prediliction for doing things others might desire. (More about this later.) And she is a major cheapskate.
I listened.
"We had just come out of the movie, and the parking meter was ready to expire. I had parked several blocks away. Ginny (not her real name) had run into the bathroom, so I told Patty (not her real name, either) that I was going to go get the car and to please wait for me out front. I told her twice, and both times she acknowledged me -- the second time by holding her hand up to show that she got it.
"So I went and got the car and pulled up in front of the movie theater. Cars were honking at me, but I was certain they'd be right out. I waited five minutes and then ran into the theater. They were nowhere to be found.
"I got back into the car and drove around several blocks and found them walking back toward the theater. I stopped and when they got into the car I asked Patty, 'What are you doing? I told you I'd pick you up in front of the movie theater.'"
To this Patty replied, "You never told me that!"
Patty was unable to apologize. She was self-righteously adamant that my wife had not asked her to wait in front of the theater. When Ginny asked Patty where my wife was when whe came out of the bathroom, Patty's response had been, "She didn't say anything to me."
My wife tried again to talk about it. "If you had told me to wait out in front of the theater, of course I would have," Patty said. My wife was even more exasperated after describing what happened than she was when she started.
I could tell you more, but you get the idea.
Since narcissists have been known to practice gaslighting, I wondered to myself after thinking about my wife's story whether this was an example. So what's gaslighting?
Here's what WikiAnswers says: It comes from the 1944 film called Gaslight about a diabolical, Victorian criminal husband (Charles Boyer playing against type) who systematically and methodically attempts to torment, menace, and drive his bedeviled, fragile wife (Ingrid Bergman) mad. Its title was derived from the frequent dimming and flickering of the gaslights. The phrase "to gaslight" someone (to deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating their environment and tricking someone into believing that they are insane), was derived from the film.
The definition suggests that gaslighting is a deliberate behavior. In my book Narcissism in the Workplace, I do not mention gaslighting. Ken misrepresented the truth and was a manipulator, but I did not see him try gaslighting in the work environment. But he did deny that certain incidents ever happened, and he never "remembered" his outbursts.
I marveled at Ken's ability to practice bureaucratic obstructionism. When faced with another delay, I sat in my chair and wondered, "Did he deliberately do this? Does he stay up at night coming up with these ideas? Or is it just a side-effect of his mental illness?" I concluded that it was his mental condition and an inability to help himself.
And so I believe it is with gaslighting, at least in this case. Patty is so much into her own world, she is able to communicate without hearing -- I call it monologuing. You think she's heard you, but the reality is it's been a one-way conversation. So when you think you have made an agreement, Patty's perspective is that "it never happened". The reason the experience is so disorienting for the other party is that the narcissist is being honest. And if you press her, she feels attacked and hurt.
Is this really an example of gaslighting? Does it fit the definition, which implies as I said earlier that it is intentional? When you are around someone who does things that appear intentional but in fact may be due to mental illness, it still has the same effect. My wife concluded our conversation with, "I feel like I'm crazy." She was gaslighted by Patty, whether Patty's actions were intentional or not.
Let me conclude with one more short story about Patty's behavior. I took her to the airport to catch a flight. Parked, helped her get her bag inside, and checked her in. Just before we got to security there was a coffee shop. She had over an hour before her flight, and the line through security was short. It was early in the morning, and I had not had my regular cup of Joe. "How about if we get a coffee?" I suggested.
"No," she replied. "I don't want a cup of coffee this early."
It did not matter if I wanted a cup of coffee. It did not occur to her that I was getting to work late, using gas and paying for parking -- and perhaps buying Sam a small cup of coffee would be a nice way to say "thank you".
Instead, it was all about her.
When you enter the narcissist's world, don't entertain delusions that you will be noticed. Step in, take care of business, and step out. The good thing about the experience is the breath of fresh air that awaits you when you re-enter the real world.
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